A Big Week - Day 7

Guest post today from Murray but before that...today's headline....no seizures. Bormally this would be something to celebrate but this week this is really really not good. We need more seizures!

So...as I take a break, here are Murray's musings!...

It's taken me some time to gather my feelings and reflect on the BIG WEEK that's been happening to us and especially Immi. That wall of emotions we faced heading up to  Wednesday and the 5 hour long brain  operation I am now realising led to a huge shut down  both physically and mentally, is that  a 'MAN' response??, huge amounts of stress where I felt I had to stay steady and even to help Karen and Immi face it without us all losing it... I realise I have held back, but I'm  not  sure I had any  other  way of dealing  with  it... No other emotional tools to take me through to the other side of that operation... What relief when she was out of theatre and in our arms, while still unconscious and nonverbal there remained the anxious pain, the 'what if's' the uncertainty and loss just hanging on the air... holding your breath for 6 hours is a long time and hugely debilitating... numbness, disorientation, loss of purpose and pleasure... That beautiful moment when Immi opened her eyes, that stifled tear when she finally spoke again (after an hour) what a day that was, what a rollercoaster of emotion and non emotion, heartache and relief. We put so much trust into the hands of others in our medical system, and they have proved themselves to be trustworthy, yet again...

I have been balancing the turmoil of the unknown alongside reading "Red Moon Rising", Pete Greig's fascinating book  that sets out how God started the 24/7 prayer movement in the UK. Its dangerous and challenging beginnings and  viral spreading across the  world. It's a MUST READ for anyone interested in living faithfully for Jesus and  meeting the increasing challenges of our time through prayer... This book has been a real Godsend  for me and has  helped me to see God at work and present in the midst of everything we have walked  through. In my times of deepest turmoil I have felt comforted and supported, almost as if Pete Greig were walking the same journey, an example of this was a bit of the bible he quotes as he tries to reconcile the positive and negative, the joy and the pain in his own experience. https://g.co/kgs/hDQvA5 

From 2 Corinthians 6, this is what it says "Well, now is the right time to listen, the day to be helped. Don't put it off; don't frustrate God's work by showing up late, throwing a question mark over everything we're doing. Our work as God’s servants gets validated—or not—in the details. People are watching us as we stay at our post, alertly, unswervingly… in hard times, tough times, bad times; when we’re beaten up, jailed, and mobbed; working hard, working late, working without eating; with pure heart, clear head, steady hand; in gentleness, holiness, and honest love; when we’re telling the truth, and when God’s showing his power; when we’re doing our best setting things right; when we’re praised, and when we’re blamed; slandered, and honored; true to our word, though distrusted; ignored by the world, but recognized by God; terrifically alive, though rumored to be dead; beaten within an inch of our lives, but refusing to die; immersed in tears, yet always filled with deep joy; living on handouts, yet enriching many; having nothing, having it all." This really sums it up for me, the  everything and  nothing, the tears and the joy, the highs and the lows... really resonated deeply with me! (this is the Message paraphrase of the Bible,  but other great translations are available!!) I think though, in reading this that we may need to rethink what we  classify  as  highs and lows.. It's hopefully a  powerful  reminder that God  promises  to  never leave us at  ANY TIME!!

Having the opportunity to STOP and STAY with no way of doing anything else is also challenging.. I have spent this week in  the hospital  with Immi, where she is connected to the wall through a wiring loom of multicoloured cables attached to 16 electrodes buried deep  into her  brain... there is no disconnecting it, no walking  around, no fresh air... While on duty one has to be engaged and alert, vigilant and ready to act. When the seizure comes, there  are people to call, buttons to press, clothes and bedding to change, loved ones  to comfort...

On the eve of my first night shift I was reminded of Jesus in  the garden of Gethsemane. The disciples sleeping nearby, the challenges and the alertness and known outcome that weighed heavily  on Jesus' mind. As I sat there, lay there, held there by  the negative desire for a powerful seizure to rack my loved ones body, it felt not dissimilar to Jesus preparing  himself for a negative physical outcome himself. Knowing that the pain and torture he would face was a necessity if the world had ANY chance of being restored, freed from the pain  and torment of sin and death. This spoke to my parallel situation where Immi's pain and torment was an essential part of the medical pathway to potential freedom of epileptic seizures.

I lay there watching her rest and eventually sleep, mindful of the possibilities that could be won by this  painful  process but completely  and  utterly thankful to God for being with us all  throughout this process, for hundreds of praying friends across the world supporting us,the invisible army of God's people reaching out with love and hope in their words, thoughts and comments...

Huge thanks to everyone who has been part of this journey, we really appreciate every one of you, and no matter what kind of reception you might receive from Immi (the good  the  bad  and the ugly sides of Autism!!) you are loved and you are valued by us!! God bless you. Murray xx