It is teeth cleaning time! No more "I love you Mummy! Are you enjoying your special day Mummy?"
Suddenly she becomes the master of avoidance. Time is ticking away and I see myself missing a third week of church in a row. I feel the pressure, not because I think God would mind (I'm certain he is cheering me on in this), but that I am one of the leaders and I feel the pressure that others will wonder if I have left or if I'm avoiding the place!
The more I try to cajole, bribe, give choices (teeth or shoes first?), yell or beg, the more the heals go in, and we get to a point where she is sat on the floor refusing to move.
This is like most days, and most days I am ok with it.
But today isn't most days. Today is Mothers Day. Today is the day we are celebrated and the mothers of us look at our children and give thanks.
Suddenly it hits me.
It wasn't supposed to be like this.
Call me naive, but I thought by 11years old both of my children would be dressing themselves, getting me breakfast on Mother's Day, we would go for a walk together, swim or play a board game together, enjoying each other's company. But we don't. We can't. We don't manage things together - it is a good day if she eats at the same time as the rest of us!
And I go downstairs, call my husband and explain we may not make it, and cry. Cry out what might have been, the friendships she might have had, the country we might still be in, the life we might have been leading.
But then it hits me....what might have been. When her stroke hit, it could have killed her. The area that the damage is in is a very dense area and the doctors likened it to a bomb going off in a city rather than the countryside; the devastation is much greater. She may not be with us.
I may not have the exasperating mimes and clue giving that she puts us through to give us an answer when we ask a simple question. We may not have the laughing like a drain at some comment in a film. We may not have the refusal to buy a Mother's Day card because she already made the best one I could possibly get! We may not have the off key rendition of "Let it go" or the hug that threatens to knock you off your feet.
I am so blessed. How dare I look at my life and think "what if..." We have so much in this world and in this country. We only have to look at the news without our desensitised eyes to realise how blessed we are. Earthquake, hurricane, ethnic cleansing, bombings, beheadings, Ebola, war, displaced people, so much sadness.
So, if I'm late...I'm late. Sorry church, sorry school, sorry world, but sometimes I just have to go at Immi pace and remember my blessings.
