Results Day

I knew this day would come. The day the rest of her cohort pick up GCSE results but we get nothing. It stings and I need to grieve a while today.

I knew a few years ago that she wouldn’t manage GCSEs and I knew last year for sure that she wouldn’t be doing any, but today still smarts a little. There will be no celebration, no excitement about the next step. No sense of achievement in this way. I need to allow these emotions of sadness and grief to surface, just for a while, to acknowledge them, to reach a place of acceptance (yet) again. This is not the life I would have chosen for her. No one wants to have a child with special needs. Yes, we make the best of it, we put a positive face on, we choose to pull out the positives, see the aspects of life she is making progress in and acknowledge those. But truthfully, deep down, I would give anything for her to be able to grapple with Maths problems and write an essay, to feel a sense of grappling with learning and the sense of achievement exam results bring. Today highlights once again, the differences, the losses, the gap between Immi and her peers. It’s a day that points at what she cannot do, like a bit neon highlighter marking her life. A day that I fight off a sense of failure. I know it is not my fault or anyone’s fault, it is just how life works - life is unfair- but it sucks. Every parent wants the best for their child, wants them to have all the opportunities in the world and today highlights doors that are closed. Thankfully, I think she is blissfully unaware, she moved from Mainstream to specialist provision three years ago and today I am so thankful for that. She is not compared today against a cohort of academic achievers, she feels she has found her tribe. A wonderful bunch of pupils who find joy in many things. But I feel for those that are. That have tried within this strange year, but despite their best efforts results day will deliver little to celebrate.

So today, for a moment I allow myself to grief. To be saddened by the ‘what could have beens’ and to acknowledge the differences. I dig deep to congratulate the ones who have achieved, knowing that for Immi these same accolades won’t ever come.

And then, I will dry my eyes, straighten my crown and go and make breakfast!