Frustrating, amazing independence.

I know that one of my biggest jobs as a Mum is to help Imogen become more independent.  I also know that watching her get dressed is one of the hardest things to do.

Immi is fiercely independent and determined already (one of the traits that I admire in her and has brought her through a lot already).  And so every school morning I play a balancing act.  I sit in her room with her and coax her out of bed (I have tried chivving her along, dragging the covers off, yelling, threatening - all of these seem to end up taking longer with both of us stressed out, so coaxing it is.)  I put on 'Tiny little me' from the album 'Great Big God' her present favourite, pull up the blind and tell her about the day, throwing in every second sentence 'Ok lets get your pants on now!'

By nine most Mums should be able to just shout up the stairs - 'come on get dressed!'.  We do this at the week ends.  It usually takes well over an hour of many visits to the room, normally finding her in some state of undress sitting at her desk drawing! So on school days, when time is limited, I must take a different tack. I must stay present.

Generally I have to get her started, pull of the pjs and hold the pants out for her to step into, then she takes over.  Trousers aren't too much of a problem - we only have ones with elasticated waist bands - one handed buttoning, especially on trousers, is tricky.

Then comes the top half.  She will not let me help and so I watch, helpless, everything within me wanting to jump up and aide as she wiggles this way and that to get her right arm which she has no control of into the right position to pull her Pj top off.  Finally free, she shakes her vest (she must wear a vest - even in the height of summer, according to her - not me!) and tosses it around in her left hand to get it into the position to put her head through, then, a few more wiggles and she has her vest on.  

Her shirt, on a number of occassions I do not manage to surpress a 'Can I help you?' is an awkward object.  She manouevers it into a position to get her right arm through the sleeve and leans back, managing, with all her might to lift her arm and aim it into the sleeve, rather like watching  someone try to thread a massive thread through a needle, but holding it about 5 cm away from the end so that they have no control over the tip of the thread.  Eventually she manages this and I am allowed to button up her top button - she has not managed to master this one yet.  Then she painstakingly manages the buttons.  It is painful and heartening to watch - she does it better than I could one handed and never gets angry.  Sometimes she gets a head start and then we have a button race, she starts from the second to top button and I start at the bottom.  As long as it is a draw things stay stable! 
By now she is pretty tired and there have been a number of distractions between (she has not taken her ADHD meds at this point, hence I have to stay present to keep her on task.)  This process has normally taken,  about half an hour to 40 mins, and we still have socks, tie, and splints to go!
The tie - if it wasn't so heart wrenching it would be funny.  She can do this alone and so insists on doing it alone.  Her tie is on elastic (Hallelujah!) and so she places it under her chin and then stretches the elastic behind her head and pulls it down round her neck.  Somedays she manages this fine, other days it keeps bouncing back up and hitting her on the nose or forehead.  Comical but frustrating for her.  Eventually the tie is mastered and she lowers her collar.  I have tried to persuade her that she doesn't need her collar lifted in the first place, but no!  That is how it is supposed to be done.  So she lowers it and then I adjust it as she has always lowered it too far, so the seam is showing and about a centimetre of the inside of her shirt.  
She has never managed to master socks, despite buying them many sizes too big, so I get to put them on and help her with her splint.  We are finished!  Phew!

First and Second baby tucked up in bed.

Oh no, wait!  We must make the bed!  never mind that the rest of her room looks like a bomb has gone off! - we must make the bed and put first and second baby in for the day time sleep.  Now, I have tried bypassing this section - oh no!  Woe betide me!  It just comes round and bites me on the bum as she disappears when she should be cleaning her teeth or getting her coat on, or we have a melt down as we are walking out of the door because it isn't done.  Recently, my husband and I have come upstairs at night to find our bed also neatly made with our night clothes under our pillows - fairies?  No an Immi!

Neatly folded pjs!

We allow 1.5 hours before school in the morning and it is always a rush at the end.  As a person who likes to be on time, and with a responsibility to get my son to school on time too, I get extremely frustrated at the amount of times I am shouting at them to grab their things as we walk (no, run) out of the door.  But Immi will not be hurried, she doesn't work to the time schedule of the world.  And actually, if she did I am sure she would spend her life totally overwhelmed and frustrated.  She has learned (or maybe it is innate) to go at her own pace, to be happy with her achievements, to be determined when she needs to be and find joy in the little things like a neatly made bed.  Instead of rushing her, I should be applauding her, she shows more courage and determination every morning that I often show in a year.

Well done Immi girl!